


a dwindling, mercurial high

by evenwhenitsraining



Category: Red Velvet (K-pop Band)
Genre: F/F, Idol-Actress AU, Irene-centric, Light Angst, Secret Relationship, based on illicit affairs by taylor swift, irene has a lot of feelings and so do i, probably the result of me being heartbroken over folklore
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-03
Updated: 2020-08-03
Packaged: 2021-03-06 05:33:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,349
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25688125
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/evenwhenitsraining/pseuds/evenwhenitsraining
Summary: For a moment, she surrenders and lets herself forget she's Irene Bae and the person behind her is Red Velvet's Seulgi — she lets herself succumb to something she's been depriving herself for a week or so. Seulgi has always been good at everything she does: singing, dancing, sketching, painting, and making Joohyun fall in love. (title from and based on "illicit affairs" by taylor swift)
Relationships: Bae Joohyun | Irene/Kang Seulgi
Comments: 5
Kudos: 83





	a dwindling, mercurial high

**Author's Note:**

> (written august 2, 2020, posted on AO3 august 3, 2020; edited august 19, 2020) 
> 
> previously titled "you showed me colors (you know i can't see with anyone else)"

Joohyun stands on the hard concrete, her feet tapping out a random rhythmic pattern of a song she's heard in the car radio in passing. Her fingers dance along to the imaginary tempo she's built up in her head, pressing them on her jeans like a pianist stroking worn-out piano keys. Her heart thumps irregularly, eyes darting in different directions, lips covered by the mask she had securely fastened behind her ears.

It shouldn't be this nerve wracking. It shouldn't be this tense and stressful. She's done this about a hundred times already. The past ninety nine times replay in her head — "Hood over your head, keep you eyes down," — it calms her for a split blissful moment before she remembers the cause of her anxiety.

Seulgi.

"Unnie, can we meet?" Her cryptic four-word text reads. Joohyun was in the middle of a shooting break, but she dropped everything without a second thought. She asked the director for a little more free time and of course he agreed. Joohyun has that effect on people, even though she likes to act blind and deny it sometimes. She has yet to face the wrath of her manager and the disapproving looks of her castmates, but honestly, Joohyun can't bring herself to care.

Seulgi wants to see her.

(She wants to see Seulgi.)

In truth, Joohyun should have thought about it even for a good minute or two. She should have weighed the pros and cons of the aftermath of that request, just like how the sane version of herself would do on a normal day. She has always taken pride in being a meticulous person with a perfect planning system, the kind of person that will laugh at someone who decides and acts with their heart instead of their brain.

Joohyun doesn't laugh at herself, though. It was a bit hypocritical, even for her. But for Seulgi, she'd ruin her sensibility and sanity a million little times.

(Truthfully, her sole rationality is an understatement. Joohyun would rip out her contract, sell her luxurious apartment, and move to the countryside and raise a family she has always dreamed of with Seulgi if she asks. All Seulgi has to do is say a single sentence and Joohyun would drop everything for her. It scares her, but it's nice to dream.)

"You came," a voice snaps her out of her bittersweet daydreams.

Joohyun likes to pretend they're college students meeting up in the middle of the night. But they're not; she's a popular actress and Seulgi is a rising idol from one of the most popular girl groups in the country. She likes to pretend they're two nameless, ordinary girls going on a date, scared to be caught by others because they should be doing something else more important instead. As much as Joohyun likes to imagine, only the latter is true.

"Of course I would, Seul," Joohyun softly replies.

Seulgi replies with a smile, and Joohyun is a goner. Joohyun thinks about how unfair it is that she can feel the warmth of Seulgi's smile through the thin fabric of her mask. She can feel the rays of Seulgi's sunshine reach and pierce her on all parts of her body, and it's always been a drug that works all the time.

"Sorry I was late," the younger girl fills the silence. "You know how tough comeback season is."

Joohyun nods. Her mind briefly flashes back to the time she and Seulgi were buried under the cloud-like duvet of her bed, Joohyun holding the idol inside her arms, close to her heart. She listened to Seulgi rant about the exhaustion and frustration like it's the most interesting song she had ever listened to. Seulgi was a rookie and she was a new actress then — simpler times.

Joohyun longs for Seulgi's touch all of a sudden. She tries to grab Seulgi's right arm for a small bit of compensation, but she remembers who they are and where they were. She pulls away even before latching herself, putting a good distance between the two, like the other girl is burning and she's afraid of being incinerated by the flames.

Seulgi, sensing what Joohyun wanted to do, smiles a sad smile for Joohyun's weak heart to see. "I'm sorry, Hyun."

"Why are you apologizing?"

"I don't know. I just feel the need to," Seulgi pauses. "I want to hold your hand or kiss you right now. I want to do both of those. I'm sorry I can't."

Joohyun wants to scream. Instead, she feels a tear escape her eye. Seulgi reaches to wipe the lone tear with her thumb and Joohyun leans into her touch like it's her sole reason of joy. Maybe it is, Joohyun doesn't know. Seulgi removes her hand before Joohyun can cover it with hers.

Irene doesn't speak or struggle to strike up a conversation. She doesn't think she has the strength to continue if the other girl replies, she doesn't think she has enough fight in her left to pretend she doesn't want to marry the girl beside her right then and there, rings and gowns long forgotten.

Thankfully, the silence doesn't last long.

(It never does.)

"Can we stroll for a bit? Just like old times." Seulgi asks. Joohyun nods to express her agreement, though she doesn't need to because her legs are already planting steps on the ground she had been staring at an hour ago. She'd laugh at herself for being so pathetically in love with Seulgi, but she thinks she loves that part of herself as much as she loves tteokbokki and fabric conditioners.

The Seoul air at night is foreign and familiar at once. The breeze slams her skin but she doesn’t shiver nor falter, she welcomes it like an old friend and hopes the coldness won’t reach her heart. For some odd reason it reminds her of her first meeting with the girl besides her. A birthday party threw by a mutual friend, Sooyoung, an idol slash actress, and Joohyun fondly smiles at the way the disco lights reflect on Seulgi’s eyes, the way her necklace hang freely on her neck, the way her beauty outshone all of Sooyoung’s living room decorations that she’s sure costs a whole neighborhood.

Their first meeting was in a hall full of grandiose art pieces and crystal chandeliers surrounding the place.

(Their subsequent ones were in parking lots with crumpled newspapers, broken bottles and cigarette ashes littering everywhere.)

“You’re a bit more quiet today, Hyun,” Seulgi quips, looking at Joohyun and trying to read her. “Are you tired?”

“A little,” She can never lie to the love of her life. “I’m alright though, just a little bit troubled by something.” Maybe she can, because that ‘a little bit’ was a big lie.

Seulgi stops and looks at her. She takes Joohyun’s hand despite the cold, despite the possibility of photographers and saesangs lurking around the corner. Joohyun, for the first time that night, breathes. It’s nice to know her tendency to be a little reckless isn’t one-sided.

“Pull away and I’m gonna scold your manager for giving you so many schedules.”

Joohyun laughs, and Seulgi laughs, and once again she’s reminded how easy it is to be with Seulgi. How her shoulders feel less burdened and how her smiles feel less fake when she’s with her. Seulgi pretends to wipe a fake tear from her face from laughing too hard with her free hand, and Joohyun falls a little more in love with her.

“Oh, please, you’re afraid of him.”

“Oppa is a cool man! I’m a cool woman. Maybe we can speak — cool person to cool person.”

“Keep deluding yourself, Seul,” Joohyun replies, but she thinks Seulgi is the coolest person to ever exist, not that she’d admit that out loud though. “I’m hungry.”

Seulgi pats her head affectionately and flashes her a blinding smile that makes her feel like she could move mountains. "When are you not hungry?"

"Hey!" She slaps her arm lightly and again, she's amazed by how easily she can let her guard down and let her defenses go when she's with the younger girl. "Last person to reach the stand pays!"

Joohyun runs and Seulgi chases her, the former feeling the adrenaline rush and the thrill of doing something that is so unlike her. For a moment, she surrenders and lets herself forget she's Irene Bae and the person behind her is Red Velvet's Seulgi — she lets herself succumb to something she's been depriving herself for a week or so. Seulgi has always been good at everything she does: singing, dancing, sketching, painting, and making Joohyun fall in love.

In the end, Seulgi slows her steps a little too obviously and let Joohyun skip happily past her and jump in place to mark her victory. Joohyun relishes in the small rush of triumph, pretending like she didn't know of Seulgi's habit of letting her win in all things because she can't stand seeing Joohyun's frowns. Seulgi beams at her proudly, like she won a world marathon, and Joohyun can't breathe for a second. Seulgi takes her hand as they sit down and place their orders, and Joohyun berates herself for not calling the girl earlier and initiating the meeting herself.

Seulgi is a messy eater and it gives Joohyun the excuse to wipe the side of her lips with her fingers. The younger girl recalls a funny situation she witnessed earlier as she chews the last bit of her food, and Joohyun doesn't know if she's laughing at the joke or at Seulgi's muffled speech.

A few more minutes, they stop eating.

(Joohyun's heart stops beating.)

"I have to leave in ten minutes," Seulgi begins. "I told my members I'm just going out for a run. They must be crazy worried now."

"Can I walk you back?"

"I'm going to take the other route. It'll be too suspicious if we walk back together."

"Seulgi, please," For the first time that night, Joohyun lets the sheer desperation drip from her pleading voice. "I want to... I need to see you get home safely."

She also wants and needs to tell her how much she loves her before it consumes the remaining parts of herself, to kiss her senseless into next week so she can relish in the memory of Seulgi's warmth and softness, and to beg her to never leave her because she doesn't know if she can survive the impact of the fall that'll leave on her heart.

(She doesn't say those, though. Maybe someday.)

"Okay. Fine. Just by the front door of the building, though, unnie."

Joohyun agrees to the ultimatum, holding the protest at the tip of her tongue. She tells herself she can always stop, but deep down she knows her heart knows no rest when it comes to the younger girl. Just the front door of the building, she promised herself, she promised Seulgi.

Which is why she doesn't know how she ends up in Seulgi's small bed in her small room, the idol's head resting on her chest, just right in front of her heart that she has willingly offered to the girl above it. Seulgi is lightly snoring, safely enclosed inside her arms and looking like she has always belonged in it, and Joohyun takes a moment to appreciate how peaceful and serene she looks. She closes her eyes for a split second and opens them again to plant a small kiss on Seulgi's cheeks.

Slowly, Joohyun lifts Seulgi's head and lays it on her pillow. She gets up and covers Seulgi's body with her blanket. The younger girl stirs a little in her sleep, mumbling something incoherent that Joohyun would spend the rest of her life deciphering if it weren't for the mocking tone of her conscience shouting at her to leave now. Seulgi turns to the other side of the bed, and she takes Joohyun's heart with her.

The older girl cleans after herself, taking her own coat and cap from the rack, her mask from the small desk, and her phone and her sunglasses from the bedside table. She takes a second to linger in the room she knows inside out — the light brown guitar case, the LPs, the gridboard and the pictures clipped to it, the small artworks, and for a moment she feels like it's her home. It's where her home is. It's where Seulgi is.

Joohyun takes one last glance at the room and realizes it's almost like she has never set foot in it. There's no trace, not a single memoir of her and for a moment it's laughable, but it's part of the sacrifices she and Seulgi have to make to keep what they have alive. They can't be loose now, especially since Joohyun is starting to gain more major lead roles and Seulgi's group is getting international recognition.

Everytime she leaves, it feels like a small part of herself is being taken away from her and getting imprisoned in the confines of Seulgi's room. She leaves a small part of herself to Seulgi whenever they meet and depart, but she doesn't think she minds. She'd disassemble and ruin herself a million little times if that's what it takes to keep Seulgi by her side.

She lets her hand linger for a beat on the doorknob before twisting it, looking at Seulgi with an expression only Seulgi has the pleasure of engraving onto her brain as her way of saying goodbye. It's part of the secret language she shares with herself and the idol. It's amazing how she learned that she can say so much by speaking so little, a thing she learned when she started seeing and meeting Seulgi behind everyone's backs in parking lots.

(In their own secret language, Joohyun never shuts up about how much she loves Seulgi.)

In the world's own language, she keeps her head down as she leaves quietly and takes the long, less familiar way home, hoping her and Seulgi's names attached with the word "dating" don't end up in the news tomorrow.

**Author's Note:**

> i hope you enjoyed reading!


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